这一个学期。。。好寂寞。。。
这个学期的我。。似乎比上学起来的沉闷与忧郁了。。。
这学期的我不喜欢到学府去了。。
每天都只期待早点下课。。避开那群莫名其妙的人。。
我变得不爱说话。。脸上的笑容也少了。。就像个被疾病缠身的病人。。
我变得不想再说什么。。因为就算你没说什么。。也会令人误会。。说了岂不是得罪了天下人。。
这种想法是偏激的。。没错。。但是。。种种的经验不得不让我如此偏激。。
发现道。。每次都是为了迁就别人而得罪了另一个人。。。被讨厌的总是只有我。。。
我的随和。。变成了被人利用而伤害他人的武器。。到最后。。黄河也洗不清了。。
很讨厌去学校就是很讨厌每次都要迁就别人。。看人脸色做事。。。总是提心吊胆自己的言辞，还怕不知在哪一秒又得罪了人。。最难受的就是看见那些曾几何时的好朋友。。。对你像比陌生人还要陌生。。。以往的嘻笑玩闹。。变成一句话也不愿再多说的‘石头人’坐在你身旁。。不懂什么原因。。但是。。强烈的感觉告诉是被排斥。。。每天就这样被这种讨厌的感觉折磨着。。痛心着。。好好经营的一段友谊。。似乎毁于一旦。。。怎么挽回。。都太迟了。。
所以。。每天的我。。只是想赶快上完课。。回家做真正的自己。。。
学校变成了一个让人心力交瘁的地方。。。。
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
First lonely day~~
Today is the first time for me to stay alone in house. Dear had followed his bro n sis bk to thier hometown in morning.He seems like very worry bout me tht to be alone in house.The sms n call was frequently made for me. Thus, i felt really warm for his concern on me.
Despite of the warm one , somebody did ruin my day this morning class. For those who know me, they shall understand who i mean. Although i'm quite being offended this morning, however i'm still trying to say to her in a good way as much as i can. Until now..she still argue the deposit to me..which a reasonable man will see unreasonable but she did. It is so awkward to expalin such common thing to her. I felt as such feeling coz i really dun want to reduce her personal value by answering her stupid question. Anyway.. due to the 100% supporter of mine... I'm not scared nor afraid at all. Just pity for her ignnorance n unopen minded.
Monday will be the Family law paper. Spend whole day to study but only finish 1 chapter. Tml should keep it up n memo as much as i can without being lured by any entertainment n rubbish thought. Good night Mr Blog!Wish me hv a sweet dream n all the best in future without meeting any bad ppl n obstacle anymore.
Despite of the warm one , somebody did ruin my day this morning class. For those who know me, they shall understand who i mean. Although i'm quite being offended this morning, however i'm still trying to say to her in a good way as much as i can. Until now..she still argue the deposit to me..which a reasonable man will see unreasonable but she did. It is so awkward to expalin such common thing to her. I felt as such feeling coz i really dun want to reduce her personal value by answering her stupid question. Anyway.. due to the 100% supporter of mine... I'm not scared nor afraid at all. Just pity for her ignnorance n unopen minded.
Monday will be the Family law paper. Spend whole day to study but only finish 1 chapter. Tml should keep it up n memo as much as i can without being lured by any entertainment n rubbish thought. Good night Mr Blog!Wish me hv a sweet dream n all the best in future without meeting any bad ppl n obstacle anymore.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tired..spiritually and physically..
It has been 3 weeks in 2nd sememster. 2 weeks didnt bk home edi.. the scene and ppl here that making me really wanna bk home. Actually... it seems like normal n nothing serious issue had happened on me.. But.. I feeling a kind of sad where the words impossible to express my feeling.. the most closest description may be the of facing the same ppl but different feeling to them or maybe their feeling are big different from last time to me.. Frankly..tht feeling is not actually good and making me sad often. This feeling make me feel a kind of my disaster in handling my relationship v others again.
The one who make me most sad is su. I really dunno what i had done wrong to her recently that making her drifted apart from me. The scene tht she always shows her concern n talking to me previously had edi gone nowadays. She even not willing to hv lunch v me but others who less close to her. When there was environment tht only me n lian v her.. she use to treat me as invisible and no single word to me..is totally not willing to talk to me at all.. Actually...in many time, not only her but i feel tht others classmate will oso like tht but not worse than her..at leats they still willing to entertain but for sure when there was a group event, they will choose to be together n wont ask to join... Nowadays.. finding someone to hv a meal v me become so hard.. Really feel like everyone is annoyed by me. In fact..ppl ask me for sth ..i did help..I dunno what i had done wrong.. Really hope to know the answer asap..Or.. I only can be the one who always being misunderstood by others in live,no mater how much good i did to them? Yes..I'm really care about how my frns looking on me..Am I so bad, ridiculous or unkind?? Pls just tell me instead of showing prejudice n being impersonal to me.It is totally unfair to me without giving me opportunity to speak. Becoz of su impersonality..I felt like being tortured in every theatre class.
This theatre class had thus become less interesting plus the drama topic that given by the lec was so dry. I think i might hv no fun at all in the rest of the classes. The only play tht i can act in the following class was as a person who being deserted by others, who prima facie hv a group of frn but infact was alone.
I know i should stop thinking so much coz ppl may not as what i'm thinking..n such a thinking may render me a childish person. However, some of the things is so obvious tht need not use ur eyes to see but heart can tell u what is going on.
Today,fortunately still can find nung yee hv lunch together.. if not, i'm lonely again... All this prob occur must hv a head factor to start tht.. Is my personality really a prob? Or.. someone had brainwashed others mind about me?? It is a difficult question.. If tht my prob..i really hope someone to tell me frankly n i would like to thank his or her very much.
Actually..today is kinda tired... hope to tell someone bout tht..but due to this issue has been raise for so many time...n.. can understand that ppl may not know me so well .. i cant blame n no mean to blame coz he was not me..ya... trying to learn to be lonely and optimistic by reading some self enrichment book but when everyday seeing the truth.. I start to doubt myself again...then reading the same book when back..like balance my emotional spirit in a day... dunno can tahan for how long... Maybe i really need to learn many especially to smile even i'm not happy at all..but...no matter how much i smile..it cannot solve the question tht confuse me for such a long time..."what i had done wrong tht ppl wanna treat me in tht way???" even to the frn i'm really tring to appreciate....
The one who make me most sad is su. I really dunno what i had done wrong to her recently that making her drifted apart from me. The scene tht she always shows her concern n talking to me previously had edi gone nowadays. She even not willing to hv lunch v me but others who less close to her. When there was environment tht only me n lian v her.. she use to treat me as invisible and no single word to me..is totally not willing to talk to me at all.. Actually...in many time, not only her but i feel tht others classmate will oso like tht but not worse than her..at leats they still willing to entertain but for sure when there was a group event, they will choose to be together n wont ask to join... Nowadays.. finding someone to hv a meal v me become so hard.. Really feel like everyone is annoyed by me. In fact..ppl ask me for sth ..i did help..I dunno what i had done wrong.. Really hope to know the answer asap..Or.. I only can be the one who always being misunderstood by others in live,no mater how much good i did to them? Yes..I'm really care about how my frns looking on me..Am I so bad, ridiculous or unkind?? Pls just tell me instead of showing prejudice n being impersonal to me.It is totally unfair to me without giving me opportunity to speak. Becoz of su impersonality..I felt like being tortured in every theatre class.
This theatre class had thus become less interesting plus the drama topic that given by the lec was so dry. I think i might hv no fun at all in the rest of the classes. The only play tht i can act in the following class was as a person who being deserted by others, who prima facie hv a group of frn but infact was alone.
I know i should stop thinking so much coz ppl may not as what i'm thinking..n such a thinking may render me a childish person. However, some of the things is so obvious tht need not use ur eyes to see but heart can tell u what is going on.
Today,fortunately still can find nung yee hv lunch together.. if not, i'm lonely again... All this prob occur must hv a head factor to start tht.. Is my personality really a prob? Or.. someone had brainwashed others mind about me?? It is a difficult question.. If tht my prob..i really hope someone to tell me frankly n i would like to thank his or her very much.
Actually..today is kinda tired... hope to tell someone bout tht..but due to this issue has been raise for so many time...n.. can understand that ppl may not know me so well .. i cant blame n no mean to blame coz he was not me..ya... trying to learn to be lonely and optimistic by reading some self enrichment book but when everyday seeing the truth.. I start to doubt myself again...then reading the same book when back..like balance my emotional spirit in a day... dunno can tahan for how long... Maybe i really need to learn many especially to smile even i'm not happy at all..but...no matter how much i smile..it cannot solve the question tht confuse me for such a long time..."what i had done wrong tht ppl wanna treat me in tht way???" even to the frn i'm really tring to appreciate....
Friday, November 9, 2007
Eventful week~
It has been a while for me that did not post sth here. Nevertheless, it was quite a lot of new things happened during these few days.
First and foremost, the MUET exam is over. The questions were considered as easier than last time. However, i dun think i hv done my best during exam. Perhaps, the lack of confident that constituted me couldnt did well, anyway, lets pray n hope everything will be good as what i wish to be. For the reason that i hv put in reasonable effort that others ppl may not do.
Second, last semester result had out n for sure it was within my expectation that it drop but heavily.So, i think i'm quite lucky that able to sustain my cgpa around 3.53 while gpa 3.57, second upper but unsafe level. In order to continue increasing my performance, for sure, it is time for me to work harder this sem.
Third, S.Y n me had met out of the blue. It is not within my expectation but in order to reduce awkwardness ambiance, i had tried my best to pretend nothing was happening as what she act to me. The only thing tht i cant act as her was showing further concern instead of answering her question as well as having lunch together v her.For me, showing concern only can be done towards a real people who has the feeling of being concerned but fake concern.
Fourth, I'm really impressed by the first class of theatre. It was surprising me that there were quite a lot of my course mates who had taken this subject. Besides, there were my ex-team mates of World Chinese Debate Tournament who same class with me too. So far in the initial theatre class, I can feel some joy and happiness due to the participation of those familiar frns who can temporary forget the stress of study , play n laugh freely in the class together. The lec had taught us from the most simple lesson of how to breathe correctly as an actor, then followed by some interesting games. For me,it was interesting, relax and en joyfulness .
Fifth, I hv come bk to home town again for redo my ic. When i just reach jb, without being given time to drink some water and shower, i hv to go to the next event by accompy my mom, sis and aunts to have lunch, shopping and high tea.Its really OUT OF MY EXPECTATION that my sis who willing to treat us a great lunch with korean food which cost her hundred sth. Actually, it quite surprising me for her sudden generous. Anyway, hope my sis can feel happy when treat us those expensive foods.
Six, Finally i met San today. However, i felt quite sorry that ask her to acc me to redo my ic at tht stupid immigration office for about 6 hours but did for nothing. The reason is simple as normally can be thought by the general Malaysians for my failure to complete an ic. For those foreign, u may pity me for my experience that i hv went thru today. It seems like my fault to hv an unclear thumb print. It was fine to me that she has suggest me to redo my ic by manual system. However, can u ( government servants) to change ur culture or attitude that to ask someone to wait sth for nothing??They never know their attitude and culture will have cost someone a lot of pleasure time and energy. As i saw her doing so hard to scan my thumb print by using all ways within her intelligent, then, in order to save time n make things complete earlier and after she said she hv no idea for her particular pc to recognise my thumb print, i suggest her that did a manual one for me. Initially, she agree to do so, a moment later, she seems to change her stand n start saying sth which constitute a lot of fallacy in her statements, such as, ur finger print got prob ( so what?), u hv to wait for long time (as culture but till when??), then finally pop out 2 statements which i strongly think it were irrelevant to the previous statements she made, " Computer system hang la..( it was fine as what i can see ) and " Today u cant do it. ( for those reasons she stated above)"..What the fucking explanation that she had made? After all tht confusing reasons, my mental suddenly jam, i only felt extreme hunger and totally cant understand what she mean. Finally, i decided to stop wasting my time over thr n choose to leave from tht stupid place n hv my lunch v san asap at cs. Anyway, it left a numbers of questions in my mind; " No thumb print=no mycard=not a citizen in Malaysia?", " Is there only one way to complete an IC? ", " No idea= an excuse?", " Does gov office pc always hang (lousy excuse) due to problem wc cant solved by those servants exists?" , " Since anything can be excused, why should i(citizen) being taxed so much where part of the money is for u(stupid servants)???"
Seventh, spate of new policies have been introduced by gov which i think it was rather threatening public instead of giving benefit. I couldnt imagine what a society can change to be if numbers of Javanese migrate in malaysia as a recognise citizens. I couldnt believe how risky am i to walk on a street freely when thr were 2000 prisoners going to be released from jail one day. The gov seems like over estimate the competency of police work force in malaysia. I dunno why the gov can impose such irrational policies without consider the consequences n effects that may suffered from citizens? As we know malaysian are living in a democracy country, however, when imposing such policies, do they make any inquiry to us?? Or it is fake instead of real democracy???
MALAYSIAN, NO VALUE, NO POTENTIAL, A CITIZEN WHO TAKING HIGH RISK LIVING IN A DISAPPOINTED AREA WITH SPEECHLESS AND HOPELESS FEELING ...
First and foremost, the MUET exam is over. The questions were considered as easier than last time. However, i dun think i hv done my best during exam. Perhaps, the lack of confident that constituted me couldnt did well, anyway, lets pray n hope everything will be good as what i wish to be. For the reason that i hv put in reasonable effort that others ppl may not do.
Second, last semester result had out n for sure it was within my expectation that it drop but heavily.So, i think i'm quite lucky that able to sustain my cgpa around 3.53 while gpa 3.57, second upper but unsafe level. In order to continue increasing my performance, for sure, it is time for me to work harder this sem.
Third, S.Y n me had met out of the blue. It is not within my expectation but in order to reduce awkwardness ambiance, i had tried my best to pretend nothing was happening as what she act to me. The only thing tht i cant act as her was showing further concern instead of answering her question as well as having lunch together v her.For me, showing concern only can be done towards a real people who has the feeling of being concerned but fake concern.
Fourth, I'm really impressed by the first class of theatre. It was surprising me that there were quite a lot of my course mates who had taken this subject. Besides, there were my ex-team mates of World Chinese Debate Tournament who same class with me too. So far in the initial theatre class, I can feel some joy and happiness due to the participation of those familiar frns who can temporary forget the stress of study , play n laugh freely in the class together. The lec had taught us from the most simple lesson of how to breathe correctly as an actor, then followed by some interesting games. For me,it was interesting, relax and en joyfulness .
Fifth, I hv come bk to home town again for redo my ic. When i just reach jb, without being given time to drink some water and shower, i hv to go to the next event by accompy my mom, sis and aunts to have lunch, shopping and high tea.Its really OUT OF MY EXPECTATION that my sis who willing to treat us a great lunch with korean food which cost her hundred sth. Actually, it quite surprising me for her sudden generous. Anyway, hope my sis can feel happy when treat us those expensive foods.
Six, Finally i met San today. However, i felt quite sorry that ask her to acc me to redo my ic at tht stupid immigration office for about 6 hours but did for nothing. The reason is simple as normally can be thought by the general Malaysians for my failure to complete an ic. For those foreign, u may pity me for my experience that i hv went thru today. It seems like my fault to hv an unclear thumb print. It was fine to me that she has suggest me to redo my ic by manual system. However, can u ( government servants) to change ur culture or attitude that to ask someone to wait sth for nothing??They never know their attitude and culture will have cost someone a lot of pleasure time and energy. As i saw her doing so hard to scan my thumb print by using all ways within her intelligent, then, in order to save time n make things complete earlier and after she said she hv no idea for her particular pc to recognise my thumb print, i suggest her that did a manual one for me. Initially, she agree to do so, a moment later, she seems to change her stand n start saying sth which constitute a lot of fallacy in her statements, such as, ur finger print got prob ( so what?), u hv to wait for long time (as culture but till when??), then finally pop out 2 statements which i strongly think it were irrelevant to the previous statements she made, " Computer system hang la..( it was fine as what i can see ) and " Today u cant do it. ( for those reasons she stated above)"..What the fucking explanation that she had made? After all tht confusing reasons, my mental suddenly jam, i only felt extreme hunger and totally cant understand what she mean. Finally, i decided to stop wasting my time over thr n choose to leave from tht stupid place n hv my lunch v san asap at cs. Anyway, it left a numbers of questions in my mind; " No thumb print=no mycard=not a citizen in Malaysia?", " Is there only one way to complete an IC? ", " No idea= an excuse?", " Does gov office pc always hang (lousy excuse) due to problem wc cant solved by those servants exists?" , " Since anything can be excused, why should i(citizen) being taxed so much where part of the money is for u(stupid servants)???"
Seventh, spate of new policies have been introduced by gov which i think it was rather threatening public instead of giving benefit. I couldnt imagine what a society can change to be if numbers of Javanese migrate in malaysia as a recognise citizens. I couldnt believe how risky am i to walk on a street freely when thr were 2000 prisoners going to be released from jail one day. The gov seems like over estimate the competency of police work force in malaysia. I dunno why the gov can impose such irrational policies without consider the consequences n effects that may suffered from citizens? As we know malaysian are living in a democracy country, however, when imposing such policies, do they make any inquiry to us?? Or it is fake instead of real democracy???
MALAYSIAN, NO VALUE, NO POTENTIAL, A CITIZEN WHO TAKING HIGH RISK LIVING IN A DISAPPOINTED AREA WITH SPEECHLESS AND HOPELESS FEELING ...
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