Reluctant way of life...

I did not feeling ok recently as I did not satisfy the current life style in my home town that ought to be good to me. In fact, I didnt satisfy with quite many things. First, my family, second, my inconvenience's life, third, myself. Everything to me were deem to be in the bad condition that hv make my mind sick.

The family is considered as an origin for each of us. A bad structured family will definitely affects a human well being who might become emotionally or spiritually handicap. I considered myself as one of them recently. I felt less happy after come bk to jb in comparison to in Melaka. I strongly felt that I was living in an already sicked family with few sick family members who I find I couldnt live with and communicate daily. Their attitude and thinking were drifted far away from me. The most serious one is my elder sis who still cannot control his over reaction, hypocrite and exeggerate attitude to us, her extreme speach on every matter to us has indirectly increasing our mental pressure. Mom is totally be out of line with the current society, I will never able to share my problem to her as she was just like giving up herself to understand others and even her own daughter, I found that she prefer to live a life of pretending dunno anything especially those will have a tendency to trouble her.

In many time, I find speechless to her innocent or naive believe to certain issue either from us or from the newspaper; TV shows. Besides, she will put in her detactive talent to suspect every issue that have come to her without logical basis or common. My eldest bro suffer a serious mentally illness which he himself or family has no idea to help. I always find that he is living in his veil of innorance; a world of only him; self-center and part with others. Dunno since when he lost his ability to apply the common notion of human interaction, for example the way and skill of gv and take, manner of good faith, gratefullness, appreciation, thankful etc.. He is to me was living in a situation of highly insecurity, self-doubt, self-defence, provoketive and easy to gain hatred against others for may be a trivial matters.

A person who live together with these ppl for long will gradually lost his or her self-esteem and confident.

I was actually trying my best to decrease the interaction with them to prevent more dispute occured. Somehow, I was afraid that I couldnt get the right direction to survive in a diversity society since my family has always giving me wrong signal or way to get along with others. A weak foundation of one family will hardly form a successful person because such person has lost his origin support which is normally show the correct signal when he or she encounter problems. I couldnt found such signal in my family because they will prefer you to go away from them when u r facing problem. In many time, I hv to try my best and come out with many ideas to go thru those hitches without family to count on. In certain extend, it is somehow instill my strengthness to survive independently in a community. On the other hand, I found myself impersonal or a little self-center as a result of the bad signal received from the family.

Many things have to be prepared to face myself as it is foreseeable that no one will care so much of you after work. Sounds like a sad thing; since when the interaction in my family only build on the benefit and return; yes or no; there is no something which is sustaining in between yes or no; you must do sth for the sake of.. will normally heard in my family; no such thing be done purely on the purpose of gift or good faith; every benefit u take must endowed with consideration. I felt like living in a small commercial community in my family. I dunno whether i can stand for this situation for long coz when I overloaded with pressure in work, I might be sophocated for another kind of pressure which should not appear to me at home which is use to be sweet but not pressure to many people, thts why people call it home sweet home.Due to this foreseeable pressure, inconvenience and reluctant to live in the current home. I hope that I can form my Home Sweet Home sonnest possible with all my ability and strengthness.

The second unsatifaction is the inconvenience life I have now withous a private transport. I felt quite ashame when frns ask me why ur house dun hv a temporary vehicle for you to make a short distance transport? I will of coz not answer tht in detail as i Dont wanna reveal my sick family. Normally I will only answer INCONVENIENCE. What a pity? I dunno whether others family has a same family life style as me, for time being and among my frns, I found I'm the only one.

Third, myself. I hv seriously lack of perseverance and patiance to complete things I planned. I start worrying my performance will sadden and disappointing my boss soon after few weeks or days or the on the very first day of my work. Who ? Except myself; although many things still need to depend on myself, but I will be tired and need the strength from someone to support and safe me out frm the current dull life.