Self-doubting~~

I've thought a lot of myself recently, all about choices I've made and the direction I'm moving towards everyday. Many questions such as "Am I..." and "what if.." always popping up my mind. I foresee those hurdles I might come across in future; I scare to think further. Planning to buy a car lately, self-doubting again. Of cause I do doubt my ability, my trust on the family. Should I trust them who promise to suuport me? Am I pushing myself to a critical stage by owning a car? Will i make a right choice or mistake? I afraid to answer these, trying to escape all this questions, but one thing I'm quite sure is I do need a car urgently.

Worrying to my failure in ethic exam, anxiety emerge in every second for no courage to tell somebody about my failure.Ya..I'm a loser.. New challenge will begin in Oct where another hurdle have to overcome by not only the extra enery and strenght but also highest EQ and self-esteem to face lectures and old-schoolmates and exam based assessment. I'm wondering why I always felt grudgling in achieving something in my life, be it my career or a mere comodity, why I always feeling helpless??

Sometimes, I even sense that Yeo might regret or cry secretly at home for making a wrong choice to enrol me as his pupil. Until now I still cant understand why on earth he hire such a useless person in his firm? Frankly said, from how he treat me and way of teaching me, I did sense that he is quite reluctantly to deal with me.He said that he is busy with this n that, unfortunately I hear him chit chatting with somebody talking a similar nonsense, laugh similar issues with simlar sacartic tune. He willing to laugh for 1/3 noon rather than spending even 1/5 noon for teaching me something. It is undeniably quite disappointing me in certain extent. Or .. maybe he will think that I'm retarded to him? Worst than stupid?

Bear is another time bomb. I'll feel devastated whenever finished talk to him. .. this is now the aftermath after a conversation with him... Is he a corner stone in my life? Should I remove him ? Am I afford the lost? Self-doubting again...gonna heart attack soon.