I felt I'm stuck

It's year end and 2011 is coming after 3 more days. So, what have I done that is worth to mention throughout year 2010? Frankly say, except that I'm still remained healthy, optimistic, successfullt graduated as a LLB holder, then I can't think of other events that could impress my 2010. I don't know whether it is because of I have wrongly engaged a firm for my chambering or what...I felt admist in the end of 2010, I felt that I'm struggling for nothing which is an unfruitful journey to me. Most of time, I will feel anxiety, low self-esteem, worry, and irritating. Listening to people's good news, then I will start to compare with myself that trigerring to a rather serious mixed feeling that leading me to a discourage's slippery slop.

End of the 2010, which is the time for me to make decisions for a better 2011. Stay or leave? Go for clearing my gov's responsibility or remained silent to it? Single life or couple life ahead? JB or Seremban? and many more hesitations keep popping out in my mind that making me puzzling for my future. Why no one is appreciated me? Why my salary remained unincrease? Why I'm not as outstanding as people are expected me to? Why everything I did will seems like so wrong? Why no one is recognised me?

Just about to knock off from office, I begin to obess with something about myself, seriously and trying to re-evaluate the current me in the current position in this society, family, and the relationship with him. Then I only realized I'm actually did not or I can say never ask myself what I really want to be in the rest of my life? What I'm actually want and what I should do to stand out from the crowd? Had I found the real me? If I want to be a litigant, a lawyer, am I doing something that I'm in the right track towards a better lawyer? If I want to earn monies, am I doing something which are practical to materialize it?

I should be out spoken in order to be a good lawyer. I should able to take risk for a better career with lucrative earning. I should manage to control my emotion in order to always moving on the right track. I should remain positive for challenges in front of me! I should stop being childish by conduct or thought. I should move forwards and give myself chances to find a real me, a real me of 25!

I PASSED!!!!!

An insurmontable trouble has been sorted out by today, it is the happiest thing I have recently. In other words, I will no need to sit for any paper tomorrow onwards. I'm officially say goodbye to all those papers' examination in my life.

But when I brought this good news to YYP, it seems weird and I was embarrased when Kak Su know bout it and teasing me that I was just like a little girl who showing off my result with my daddy.At that moment, although embarras but I do enjoy that moment which he really seems like my father :) After peacocking my result to him, he was praising me by shouting out loud "GOOD!!!" . I think this is the loudest compliment I have from him. But I'm clearly know that I will get the louder discourangment from him if I'm still remaining unimprove. No matter how many papers I've passed, it means they were something already passed, no one will mention the same thing again. What people are concerning is the current performance and your future potentiality.

Hence, I should not indulge into the passed victory but strive for the better performance within this limited period. Good luck to my subsequent trials!!

Is time to make life's decisions

Uncountable unsmooth events happened through out the weeks. I almost emotionally devastated. To my surprise, I looked strong sometimes, especially in front of my colleagues and friends, yet only my family knew the true me. I'm extremely fragile at home, I will cry, I soliloquize whenever I'm alone and I even scold myself.

As what I've expected, nothing in the firm will be delegated to me in favour of my chmabering. The jobs' flow is apparently decreased if compare with the beginnings of my chambering. This is a clear sign of master giving up the pupil; and this manifested the logic of an employer who will not impart skills and practical knowledges to a person that he do not want to retain. Nevertheless, I did strive hard to learn as much as possible and majority are based on self study. My inner peace struck when my approach to Mr Tee for wanting of learning conveyacing was indirectly rejected by him. At that point of time, the only word "hopeless" can describe everything.

Congratulation! I've encountered the valley point in life.

Stop Ruffling me again!

Yesterday, I've changed my perspective to him when he was trying to teach me the usage of english grammar according to my notes of proceedings. My perspective changed again when he was unreasonably asking me to walk to the High Court to check a case's numbers which was not there! I can still remembered, that was a raining afternoon when I first step out from the office! I keep thinking why he want to treat me like that? Is it because I spend him too much for the lunch due to the wrongly ordered meal? Is it because I've failed to provide a useful notes of proceedings, hence he wanted to give vain by treating me like this? If both are not possible, then why? At that moment, I was just assuming as if he was traning me, that it is.


Nonetheless, I begin to doubt my initial assumption. Today, I'm trying to bring a new me, a more cheerful of me to the office, and I decided to treat him nicer to pay some respect to him. I have even took initiative to ask him for lunch, yet, the later interaction with him disappointed me. During the lunch time, we were talking about the gamble's games such as "Cho Dai Di" and Poker. I said I know to play and I do enjoy the games. Then he starts being so assertive and said that "...is your family have gambling blood?" I was directly felt insulted by him, then I threw a question back to him with an uncomfortble tune that " What do you mean by "gambling blood"? Such an impolite and assumptive question did reffling me and I mind it! Later on, we talk about the Judge's gossip, meanwhile, Lien called me, I was having a telephone concersation with her while walking back to office with him, naturally he has lisstened to part of our conversation.

Then, he suddenly came into my room, closed up the door and telling to me that "Please do not disclose whatever we have talked among ourself, especially the Judge's gissip, please don't share with your chmbering mates." This is another disrespect way of communication. If you are really concerned on this matter, just keep it yourself and dont share in front of someone who you do not belive; or you do not trusted in. Why after saying all these ribbish, then come to tell the person that "Hey, Please do not disclosed ok, with a serious face!" Which is really annoying and not neccessary to me!

The combination of these 3 incidents making me to feel neccessary to re-evaluate him and his intention of wanting to teach me, which is now has been put into question????

A mystery that happened on me~

Today, I went to work with a an uneasy feeling. Who knows the trouble is bigger than what I've expected. I was thinking that he will probably reproach me for those grammatical errors in the notes he edited last weekend. I did not expect that the proceeding's CD were lost! The moment I found it lost; my heart sank and this is the worst thing that I do not wish to happen. No way under this situation, I told him the truth. Unexpectly, he did not angry but keep laughing and saying that don't worry, when something lost, it must be at somewhere you will never expected because you will only searching for those places where you are assuming the thing is there.

Searching for so many places and I also purposely make a trip home to search it again, yet, nothing is found. I know he is trying not to angry or to reprove me for my careless' characteristic, but I know he will keep it in heart; I thought I was about to fly to a heaven; yet it seems like I was being brought into hell again that I will never be able to bounce back. I will not that worry if my boss is other people, but to an assertive people like him, I can guarantee that he has no longer able to keep any good impression to me. This mishap has brought me down to the infinitive which is an evidence and a proof of a useless person.

4 p.m., I went to High Court again to make another copy. Fortunately the interpreter who was in in duty is Ms Chin, a good friend of mine among the court's staff. While she was helping me to get the CD recorded, we chit-chating alots. Then I realized something that are enlightening me. I couldn't explain why I felt much better after a casual talk with her, maybe I really need someone to talk to reduce my pressure. I found that, no matter how worst you think the life is, we still need to go through it, so long as we are still breathing. That being the case, why not try to recover from those mishap and lead a better life ahead? And that is all about the matters of choice :)

Endless storm in the teacup

A supposed beautiful Sunday begins with a listless morning. I've excused myself from a badminton game by a white lie. Still, I'm getting up at 7 morining to lend them my badminton racket.

10a.m. ..half way having my breakfast, I received YYP's sms asking me to bring my head phone on tomorrow because he wants to listen to a part of the proceeding. This requirement indicates the up coming trouble tomorrow, and I noticed it with emotionally prepared for tomorrow's lecture from him, hence, I replied him "Noted". At 12 p.m. I received another sms from him, the message stated all my preposition mistakes that he found in the notes of proceedings which sound really irritating him. I've pause for 20 minutes to reply him.

Frankly, I've ran out of idea to reply, due to no idea, and the only thing I sensed in his sms is that he has been frustrated because of editing my works, so I end up with a very funny reply, to make him feel more relax and it also clear my doubt of his temper to me. I stated in my sms that "I apologize for my grammatical incompetency, but I'm not intent to ruin your sunday like this, don't be too angry and I will try to solve the problems tomorrow. Sorry", the he replied that "Don't worry, I have finished the 1st 2 days, I'm not angry, it is more for your future". The last 2 sentence did move me, I really understand my problems, I appreciate his concern on my future, if so, I think he can do more instead of too picky to my english grammar.

No matter how I'm trying to express my view to him or to strive something for my future, he will still have his own perspective which has been entrenched in his mind firmly. Is this called "stubborn"? His 2 messages surely indicate tomorrow a doom day for me. Just like what he had said to me, not everything can be prpepared beforehand, you will always be caught by surprise in any event that you have to act steadily, sponteneous, composed and confidently.

Because he had made me spiritually tired and stress in this few days which I think is unhealthy. Therefore, I decided to take this ocaassion as a life's experience, to face him and my problem with all my courage and confidence. Take his lecture and appreciate all opportunities that might given from him and LEARN. If I manage to overcomes all these obtacles, I think I will then be a successful lawyer. Don't you think so?

A blessing black weekend

Yesterday, I was hurt for encountering obstacles in my early career. I thought nothing bad is going to be happened again after visiting and telling papa my problems at papa's grave yard this noon. I have to emphasize here is that I'm not visiting papa only because when I encountered problem and needed his extra bless to me; I'm not supertitious either. Such visit is just to pay respect to him and cherish his memorial day, which is the 12th memorial day.Time flies as he already left us for 12 years. I still can remember I was crying sadly the same day of 12 years ago. I think I was doomed by this day that will be a sad day to me. After mom, sis and me shown our respect to my late father, we continue our journey for lunch. Initially, we planned to have it at Danga City Mall, but it ended up having our lunch at Sutera because we cannot find the U-turn point to DCM. So, I think this is my destiny to meet the cars' accident half way through Skudai road.

I drove my car as usual as I did in the week days. When I passed by Kemayan City towards the Skudai Road, I realised the white Toyota Vios which was in front of me, not close; and within a distance, Toyota has lightened up the brek's light,then of course I slower down my car once I saw brek's light appeared. When I felt my car getting closer, I quickly brek and pressing my car's brek to the deepest, yet it is still too late. I screamed at the last moment when my car almost stick with Vios, and then "BANG!!!", at that second, I thought everything has come to an end and I think something bad must have happened for sure. 2 second later, another "BANG!!!" from behind, and I'm very sure at that moment that something serious happened. 3 cars involved, but the main culprit already ran away. We all come down; and of course the first thing to do is to check the car's wound.

The Toyota has the most trifling wound. Mine is the serious and the Honta behind the 2nd serious. Then is about damages. The Toyota's driver did not suffer loss, so he did not insist on look into the problem, and it is also because he knew that it is all the main culprit's fault, which is a S'pore's car that causing his emergency brek and the later mishap. Because there is no fault of 3 of us, so we deem not to investigate further but to claim our own insurance. Nonetheless, we forgot to note down the 2 cars' plate numbers in order to claim insurance. It ends up being teased by the whole world of people including the police uncles, one of them even nag me of no sensitivity for what I supposed to notice when encountering an accident. Lesson here is that if you crash into the car in front of you; the you will always be the loser, even if you reversed your car and crash into the car behind, you will still a winner. So, when an accident happened, always taking down the place, time, car plates' numbers, name of the driver. A law's pupil like me should know all this but I never realised it!!? I was amazed and hurt by my stupidity again. This incident of my lacking of observation and awareness seems like insinuating me that I really not suitable and unworthy to be a lawyer?

Be that as it may be true, I hope I will not give up, I want to continue my dream and my legal career, I do not want to give up!For sure.

What do you feel in the 5 months chambering???

This is the question posted by YYP after being frightened by my terrible notes of prceedings. Again, the issue of my terrible grammar was raised. And again, his hopeless face shown to me while posting that question to me. I pause at there a while; there are the answers flash upon my mind, just that I did not say it out. Actually, the bigger word appeared in my mind is "DISAPPOINTMENT". After that pause,he can't wait me to answer and he continues to say that "I think you should know, we will not neccessary to absorb you after your chambering if you cannot solve your problem...".

He went on saying that: " So, do you plan to practise or you intend to work for bank or company?", and this question has been asked for N times that giving me an impression that to him, I'm not suitable to survive in the legal field, so it is better for me to change field with my bad english and it seems like I'm not qualified to be part of the legal profession. His words link me to few events, such as he never ask me to appear in front of the Registrar or in Chamber on behalf of him, he never ask me to attend any PTCM on behalf of him, he never ask me to attend or to make him available to attend any specific Bar's events like Professional Ethic Course's dinner, Bar Counsil's EGM or even my shortcall.

In short, he is very reluctant to establish our Master and Pupil relationship to his colleagues and friends, because he is too afraid of being embarrassed by his pupil like me who has no colourful family background, no strong educational background, no knowledge or sensibleness, and nothing to proud of. Because of my weakness, it looks better to him to just keep me in the firm like antiques collection. Yet, it is not so important of what he comments on me; what important now is that he makes me realize his intention of not to retain me, which is through the conversation, and is again proving my choice is wrong! At first, I shall confess my grammatical incompetency. But, I'm trying to improve it, which cannot be magically success and become as good as a band 6 student within months. I did not and I will never blame anyone for my weakness, because it is the result from unstable foundation that did not properly built since my childhood.

Nevertheless, the space and opportunities to a wider exposure of legal practise should not be restricted just because of I'm lacking of grammatical competency! This is the thing I'm so disappointed of. He is giving me an impression of because I do not have strong english grammar's foundation, therefore he should not waste time to teach me something beyond that. And hence, what he is more willing to entrust me are those without the need of writing or language's skills, and that in other senses is indeed to harm me. If grammatical incompetency is the core problem of me, then I start wondering whether it is correct for a master to just keep you in the firm, not giving chance to deal with clients, or not giving chance to handle files involved legal procedure's application just because you have the grammatical problem? If these are correct, then many of my friends should encounter the same tribulation as me! On the contrary, all of them learning much better and more than me, they have endless files with different subject matters, handling all these from how a file to be opened until a files closed. They are given chances to speak and deal with clients, although they always complaining that how they were scolded by the bankers, clients, opponents' solicitors, but there are good experiences to me!

When he spoke of the intention of not retaining me, one thing pop up in my mind is that "Is he still willing to groom me up later? Since I do not have any value worth him to teach!" If what he is thinking is the same as me, then he is considered himself doing charity in the rest of my 4 months of legal training; and the principles for someone doing charity are that "Within their means" and/or "Enough is enough". So, for those who only can do something within their means and to them is considered as enough, which are justifiable only based on how means they were and what they think is "enough".I believed they will most probably treat me like an orphan or a refugee. What I can get will never be what I'm expected or will definitely not something complete.

I also realized and it is also amazing to me that I seems like never impress any of the bosses through 5 months of traning? Nonetheless, I need solutions! I don't like this helpless' feeling that making me weak cowardly. Should I leave? Should I change my Master? Should I endure for the rest of 4 months, then pull myself out or...? I think my bigger problem now is that his lacking of confidence in me has extiguished my eagerness to learn and to be better. I was distracted. Suddenly, I don't know how to face him or discuss something with him. His bad intention lingering my mind every second that I cannot concentrate to do something better.

After that incident in the morning, he was calling for an emergency meeting in the afternoon. Well... I do not know how I could sensitive enough to feel that they are discussing something about me!I think I'm crazy. I lost my direction, can someone please be my savior!

The latest me.

Well, the latest me is busy, exhautive, curious, unhealthy, listless, anxious and searching my way to the brighter furture.

I was attending trial which supposed last for a week, but it has been adjourned after 3 days of trial that had drove me crazy by burning the midnight oil to produce the notes of evidence. My data was lost at the first day, I thought he will be frustrated by my mistakes, but after a night of effort, I managed to produce a draft notes in the next morning. I've actually prepared to listen his "gratitious adsvice" in that morning; he was nevertheless not scolding me but was surprisingly showed concern to me. He asked me how many hours I slept that night, whether able to continue the subsequent trial, concerned on my health (because I've suffered slight flu that day) and that made me relieve. After the 3 days trial, I begin to feel annoying when think of preparing the notes of proceedings. He wants me to produce notes that is accurate, neat and grammatically correct in a very short time that making me suffocated.

After twice review on the notes in accordance with the audio and video evidence, I've sent my masterpiece to him and Joey. Still, when I perusing them all over again, I can see the grammatical mistakes and typo errors revealed somewhere of the masterpiece. Then I guess I'm probably disappointing him again and will be pissed off by him in the next few days again. Be that as it may, I should say that I've made every endeavour to complete the notes as precise as I could. Sometimes, it is really not my problem of languange alone, it is the counsels' problem who like to put forward the grammatical incorrect long winded question in a scattered manner. In regard to this, I'm also wondering how an english's master manage to listen to them clearly and reduce such scattered sentences into a precise wording and meaning of their intention to the questions?

They might be of view that I can produce much precise notes if I could spend more times to re-perusing them few times again. Well, I will difinitely object to them! It is because I hate spending time for robot's works! Strictly speaking, I do not think I learnt much in only doing the typing works and listening to the audio. Undeniably, the most that I could have learnt is the proceeding examination skills and the language used in the trial but nothing more than that.I wished to learn something involve interaction, practical, able to apply and to see the outcome of such application which is material. I did not suggest that my current tasks are useless or inpractical;in fact it is not but just lacking of application and I hardly see the chemical between what I've learnt and what i can apply from what I've learnt. Therefore, I'm just trying to finish off the robot's tasks at hand and proceed to the application stage of learning.

I hope I'll manage to expose whatever I think are neccessary in future within these few months. Cheers and I'm looking forward the new me in the up coming training.