What do you feel in the 5 months chambering???

This is the question posted by YYP after being frightened by my terrible notes of prceedings. Again, the issue of my terrible grammar was raised. And again, his hopeless face shown to me while posting that question to me. I pause at there a while; there are the answers flash upon my mind, just that I did not say it out. Actually, the bigger word appeared in my mind is "DISAPPOINTMENT". After that pause,he can't wait me to answer and he continues to say that "I think you should know, we will not neccessary to absorb you after your chambering if you cannot solve your problem...".

He went on saying that: " So, do you plan to practise or you intend to work for bank or company?", and this question has been asked for N times that giving me an impression that to him, I'm not suitable to survive in the legal field, so it is better for me to change field with my bad english and it seems like I'm not qualified to be part of the legal profession. His words link me to few events, such as he never ask me to appear in front of the Registrar or in Chamber on behalf of him, he never ask me to attend any PTCM on behalf of him, he never ask me to attend or to make him available to attend any specific Bar's events like Professional Ethic Course's dinner, Bar Counsil's EGM or even my shortcall.

In short, he is very reluctant to establish our Master and Pupil relationship to his colleagues and friends, because he is too afraid of being embarrassed by his pupil like me who has no colourful family background, no strong educational background, no knowledge or sensibleness, and nothing to proud of. Because of my weakness, it looks better to him to just keep me in the firm like antiques collection. Yet, it is not so important of what he comments on me; what important now is that he makes me realize his intention of not to retain me, which is through the conversation, and is again proving my choice is wrong! At first, I shall confess my grammatical incompetency. But, I'm trying to improve it, which cannot be magically success and become as good as a band 6 student within months. I did not and I will never blame anyone for my weakness, because it is the result from unstable foundation that did not properly built since my childhood.

Nevertheless, the space and opportunities to a wider exposure of legal practise should not be restricted just because of I'm lacking of grammatical competency! This is the thing I'm so disappointed of. He is giving me an impression of because I do not have strong english grammar's foundation, therefore he should not waste time to teach me something beyond that. And hence, what he is more willing to entrust me are those without the need of writing or language's skills, and that in other senses is indeed to harm me. If grammatical incompetency is the core problem of me, then I start wondering whether it is correct for a master to just keep you in the firm, not giving chance to deal with clients, or not giving chance to handle files involved legal procedure's application just because you have the grammatical problem? If these are correct, then many of my friends should encounter the same tribulation as me! On the contrary, all of them learning much better and more than me, they have endless files with different subject matters, handling all these from how a file to be opened until a files closed. They are given chances to speak and deal with clients, although they always complaining that how they were scolded by the bankers, clients, opponents' solicitors, but there are good experiences to me!

When he spoke of the intention of not retaining me, one thing pop up in my mind is that "Is he still willing to groom me up later? Since I do not have any value worth him to teach!" If what he is thinking is the same as me, then he is considered himself doing charity in the rest of my 4 months of legal training; and the principles for someone doing charity are that "Within their means" and/or "Enough is enough". So, for those who only can do something within their means and to them is considered as enough, which are justifiable only based on how means they were and what they think is "enough".I believed they will most probably treat me like an orphan or a refugee. What I can get will never be what I'm expected or will definitely not something complete.

I also realized and it is also amazing to me that I seems like never impress any of the bosses through 5 months of traning? Nonetheless, I need solutions! I don't like this helpless' feeling that making me weak cowardly. Should I leave? Should I change my Master? Should I endure for the rest of 4 months, then pull myself out or...? I think my bigger problem now is that his lacking of confidence in me has extiguished my eagerness to learn and to be better. I was distracted. Suddenly, I don't know how to face him or discuss something with him. His bad intention lingering my mind every second that I cannot concentrate to do something better.

After that incident in the morning, he was calling for an emergency meeting in the afternoon. Well... I do not know how I could sensitive enough to feel that they are discussing something about me!I think I'm crazy. I lost my direction, can someone please be my savior!